The smell of cold

A clear, starry night was the gift bestowed upon Rebecca when she stepped outside to take a phone call at dinner. It wasn’t what she came out for – the atmosphere inside was now stuffy and she needed the air – but it helped calm her down.

She hit end on the screen only a few moments after thanking her friend Jasmine for the escape from the third-degree from her mother-in-law. Her spouse was a useless mute where she sat across the table throughout the examination. The anxiety over the need to come up with answers to many passive-aggressive questions about her job, her life, her favorite recipes, and places to shop made her want to slowly melt into a puddle onto the floor.

Rebecca had a message saved on her phone to send to her best friend during moments like this. Jasmine’s timing was perfect, and Rebecca avoided an awkward question about grandchildren and blamed her fast departure from the dining room on the incoming work call.

She remembered at that moment what Dr. Welch said whenever she felt moments of panic rise up from her stomach to choke the breath right out of her.

“Breathe.”

The woodsmoke lingered in the air from the neighbor’s chimney and mingled with the refreshing breeze that brought in hints of pine needles from the treeline behind her in-laws’ home out in the country. Rebecca caught a brief note of fabric softener from the dryer vent coming out of the basement around the side of the house. They combined to provide a pleasant momentary respite. Sensory moments like these tend to make up for all the ugliness she faced in life otherwise.

This picture-perfect moment in time of clear skies, nude trees, leaves rustling in the breeze made her nostalgic for memories of seasons that existed in decades past. It had been a long time since she enjoyed the smell of cold.

The peace of the starry night was short-lived when her heart nearly beat the panic attack to bring about her untimely end. It wanted out of her chest and to keep running after her mother-in-law came to check on her.

Rebecca almost went down the steps if not a steadying hand on the railing to keep her from flailing into a painful faceplant.

“Goodness gracious! Forgive me, Rebecca,” her mother-in-law apologized with embarrassment heavy in her voice.

“Come on back in Rebecca, you’ll catch a cold out here! Maddie wanted some ice cream for dessert. Do you?”

“That sounds good!” Rebecca replied as her adrenaline pumped. She hoped the anxiety in her voice was veiled. Holidays with the family were always strained, no matter who she went home to visit.